Oh to be young, anointed, and chosen. They make it sound like some prize- which yes it is great to be chosen by God bc He’s God and you mean to tell me he chose me? It’s an honor I’ll never get over. But for me, growing up I never felt special, never unique, never distinct among the crowds. I felt different, overlooked, pushed to the side and made to feel anything but significant. Never did I realize growing up how much my life depended on me having the right attitude about me.

So here I am now: 21 and on this path of purpose. First and foremost pursuing God- he’s my literal lifeline and then daily pushing to become more of the Jada He had in mind before forming me. Not to say I live in a bubble of self hate, I just know there’s more to me and because I know that, I feel like I’ll always short change myself if I only live up to the expected versions of me. It took me a long time to even get to this point. Im starting to live in freedom. Something completely foreign yet exciting. Like, being me- me. Lol the me that only Jessica and Ava have encountered.

Why? Bc I spent my life feeling rejected. So in my mind and even in my heart, I believed that there was no better way to overcome rejection than to be who ever people wanted me to be to them. So you need someone to be your yes man? Cool. You want me to go above and beyond to accommodate you? Kk. Need someone to stroke your ego? Yup. Someone to motivate and push you at your disposal? Alrighty. Need me when you feel lonely or just have nothing else better to do? Bet.

I made so many versions of Jada bc I needed someone. Anyone to just look at me in all my efforts and validate that I was enough. But of course, you can never please man so in me “overcoming rejection” I was planting even bigger aggravations…. ones that are still at my front door now. I was stretching myself thin. “Roll with the punches” I would tell myself. “This is developing a tough skin for you” I would argue bc it’s what so many people who were benefiting from my stretched self would say. When the truth was, I was only building onto adolescent damage. Instead overcoming one problem, I was creating a whole lot of little problems that have shown up as inconsistent relationships in my life, misunderstanding of who I am, and psychological abuse. There are people who I only talk to because of what I offer them and so for a long time- A. LONG. TIME.- my subconscious told me “I’m only good enough to have around so long as I continue…..” and that “I’ll never be good enough to be poured into” or “I’ll never be deserving of what I give out.” And these aren’t just randoms, but people who at one point or another I have considered friend, mentors, best friends, family, you name it. I allowed people to abuse my heart and misuse me because I felt like it was the only way I could get something close to a relationship. Close to a friendship. Mentorship. I allowed it so no this isn’t a hate post or a pity party blog post.

Part of my yes in this season has been me allowing God to touch me. All of me- and wow this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done but forreal-real this time. Allowing God to love on me and nurture me. Guide me. That’s big biggest. Allowing Him to guide me bc I lost hope in Him for a while. I lost faith that He had anything worth while for Jada bc why would He keep letting me be dragged like this? But as I’m typing this blog I hear him saying “no one else could carry this but you.” And that’s not to say that you should go out and subject yourself to a life of less than, but it’s to say that there is a purpose to all things. That’s the encouragement for this post. In all things- give thanks bc there is a purpose to it all. And as your father, He’s not gonna just leave it out to dry. Your story is to set the stage for your ministry. As we grow more intimate, I know that my story will set millions free. But it first has to work in me so that y’all can get it. Lol it’s 3 am and I have so much to say. A new leaf for this blog has begun. I’m excited again.

Love you bunches ❤️

-Jada B.