**insert your own greeting

Listen, now if you saw my #wcw post, lol well I’m about to take you into one of my fights. **I won’t be offended if you stop reading at this point

Y’all, I try. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t seek to be validated and accepted by people. It’s not as bad now bc of where I am in my walk, but even in my relationships with people, I have to feel wanted or I shut down because it’s a trigger for everything that once made me so darn suicidal- made me hate myself more than anyone ever could. I had a “beat them to the punch” mentality- that mentality still shows its head at times. Felt like a guy was losing interest? Cut him off. Felt like someone was rejecting me? Remove myself. Felt like people didn’t want me around? Isolate myself. No, this isn’t healthy but it was my world. “It’s one thing to hurt in my room but I’m not about to walk around bleeding to be left to bleed out….. if I’m gonna suffer, it’s gonna be in private” Y’all these were thoughts that LIVED in my mind at one point. Thank God that He saved me from that address- from that never ending pain.

However sometimes I’m revisited by what was once my norm. It takes a lot for me to outwardly express the war going on in my mind. So when I do, know that my inside is all types of “CODE RED.” My warfare is like an inward slaughter that may or may not show. And when someone is tap dancing on things that once sent me into depression spells as a child, lol I…… well to be honest I have to repeatedly remind myself to fight. That I am not what this situation or how this person is treating me says I am. I’m not. I’m learning that people only give you what they have. So the fire being spewed at you may not even be necessarily tailored for you, but because you were there, you were hit. Emphasis on learning. Because when I place someone in mental roles I often forget how imperfect people are. So I have some one I look up to putting me back in the mindset of old Jada and though I feel rejected or though I feel inadequate, the truth is, they can only give me what’s already in them. Emphasis on learning bc y’all. I. Am. Sensitive. People can’t just handle me any ole kind of way bc if I’m not careful my mind will rehearse the offense and I will mentally shut them out without them even knowing. It’s part of my self awareness and if you aren’t aware of your triggers, start learning now!!!! It is soooo important for things like this. What offends you? How do you internalize offense? How do you manage the pain? How do you come out of pain? How long can you stay low before getting stuck? Do you have an accountability system to keep you from staying low?

I knew back in March when I decided to Hell with my battle of depression that I was gonna need a true accountability partner. Someone who I could trust with all of me as I allowed God to put His hand back on my life. He made it abundantly clear that I had to get someone I could be completely transparent with. Someone who could see me as low as they could see me high. Y’all. Lol He told me this during a time that I felt the absolute lonliness since being here in statesboro. I mean, people thinking I want they man, people becoming caught up in themselves, people distancing themself from me for whatever reason….. lol the family I did grow to have was already dealing with so much I said now God who am I to turn to? There were people around but none I felt in my heart who were truly for me. And then He sent my Jessica who honestly has helped God completely change my life. **just had to slide that in

But listen, point is: know yourself- know your triggers. This thing I’m going through now, hurts. I mean hurts. Not even bc it’s new lol not my first time feeling rejected but bc I thought I was past people being able to hurt me like this now. Those the worst storms ain’t it? The ones you had no sign of until you were in the middle of the park during a hurricane. Either way, it’s in the times like these that you MUST have an accountability system in place. Someone to remind you of the you that you are outside of the offense. Someone who has a God love concerning you and refuses to let you fall. They will show you the real you when all you wanna do is pout, but it’s the reflection of who you are that will shatter the image the enemy is trying to show you. Stay focused. Stay accounted for. And don’t stop fighting.

Love you bunches ❤️

-Jada B.